I WAS TERRIFIED…

I will come back someday and edit this but for now - to get it all down here for whoever is choosing to read it - this is what I know. Rough drafts are okay to publish - because the frequency of love and possibility still runs through a rough draft.

1981

I stood watching something terrible and I felt my 4 year old bare feet on the carpet. I scrunched my toes so I could feel my feet, I felt the familiar sense immediately. A sense of safety, peace, light and calm. I felt myself move out of the terror and into love.

I could feel light above me, like…a feeling of watching the sparkles on the lake water as the sun is rising in the morning. I felt myself telling myself that I was safe and loved.

I felt my heart and warmth all around it.

I knew it was me talking to me. I could feel an “older” me with me.

I settled in to the peace - it was like laying down in a warm stream of water.

I felt my feet on the carpet…

I went to bed eventually and as always I was aware of the “angels” around me how loved me while I slept.

I listened to the “waves” from spaces (I’ve since learned the word dimensions) I couldn’t see but I felt the ease, wisdom and peace of them…

Love was all around me.

*

2015

I was in my car as I drove home from therapy. My therapist had said something so simple that day, “It was never yours.” I pulled over in tears and relief, my heart open and closed my eyes.

I felt the warmth of the sun in the car and I put my hands on my 4 year old self’s heart and said “You are love, this is not happening because you are bad, this scary stuff - it isn’t yours to take on. You are safe, I’ve got you, I love you and I promise you are going to be okay.

Do you feel your feet on the carpet? Focus on that and feel this love all around you.”

*

2018

I asked my incredible therapist if she knew anyone I could talk to who had experiences like mine who “made it”. Someone who could tell me what the other side of the healing felt like. She came back to me the next week after tapping into her network and shared that she hadn’t learned of anyone.

“I’m so tired of this. I don’t know if I can keep going. I don’t know if I can keep breathing,” I said to myself as I felt thick-as-tar tears and fear behind my eyes and my lungs felt stiff beneath my ribs. That ache, the readiness to just forget it all, the thought that maybe this was all for nothing…

I scrunched my toes into my therapist’s carpet beneath my socked feet.

“Elle, what do you want? You get to choose. There’s more and it’s incredible. Do you feel it? Feel it - right here right now.”

There she was again - the familiar someone above me.

I felt the sun on my back from the window and saw the light moving through the room. My heart welled. I felt it all the way down past my feet and above my head.

Love was all around me.

My fingers moved the fabric of the couch I was sitting on, “I’m going to keep going - this can’t be it. I KNOW there’s more.”

The Space Between

I just kept going. I lived my life. I loved my kids. I did all the regular life things. Often when I made a move to choose more - I would experience it for a bit and then it was gone again. Money, joy, health, business, you name it - my desire for more was there - but the actual experience of it was inconsistent at best and elusive.

2019 The Release

I was using essential oils a lot and I heard / felt them very clearly. I just let go and went with it - and the depth of my experience of me kept getting wider. More awareness, more love - not because of the oils - but because I had chosen to let go. I chose to stop trying to fix myself and chose to live as if I wasn’t broken. I chose to live as I was. I chose to live.

And then, I chose to love myself. Every darn part. I chose to love the darkest, most dreaded parts of myself that I had shut out, shut down and stuffed away. They were the parts I’d left to God because I just couldn’t do it…

Then one day, I could. I did it.

I forgave in spaces I never believed possible. A stream of forgiveness, freedom, unity rushed through my body (I’m making this story short) and I felt a love so limitless that I can’t find the words to express it. I was one. I was the universe. We are one. You are one.

And this is all love.

It was love the whole time. All of it.

I landed in a heap of gratitude for weeks.

2020 My Birthday

I sat on the floor on my birthday. I was just being on the floor. I asked those angels around me why I still hurt all the time. I asked them for help. Moments later (time evaporated) my hands were hot and I was “pulling” tar and pain out of my hips. I was crying and shaking with the releasing. I had moments of doubt that what I was experiencing was not real - but it felt so good that I kept going.

“You can move forward now. You are healing you, it’s not us. You’ve always known you aren’t alone. We’ve always been here and so have you.”

And then it hit me - “You’ve always been here, Elle. You.”

Oh.

My left hip has not hurt since that day.

2020 (later) The Shift

A few months later I met a group of people and it was like coming home to a place I always knew. So many familiar conversations and it gave me language to express what I had been experiencing in my life. It gave me the evidence I was seeking that more was possible.

It gave me the space to talk about the knowings I’ve had since I first scrunched my toes into the carpet. I got to talk openly about hearing and feeling myself as a “wisdom and loving space” supporting myself as a child.

I got to describe my experiences with people who said “yeah, I get it” and “wow, that’s cool,” instead of “oh, that might not be something you should tell people.”

I felt more at home than I had in so long…

The similar feeling of “at home” was when I was alone and connecting with those angels who held me as a kid, and those beings that surrounded me when I was in pain, and the clear feelings and waves I felt from other spaces (dimensions)…except these were real humans.

(I know that last paragraph sounds funny, but I’m sharing it because I know there’s a reader who has felt the same - and no, you aren’t crazy or weird - you belong here too.)

2021

Reader, I want you to know that I made it. I got to the other side. It’s possible. It’s possible to feel safe in your body.

The love I’ve always felt around me? Well - it flows through me too - and we all get to experience that.

It was always there…because it was me.

And it’s YOU.

We are love.

We are Source.

Do you see it yet? Are you feeling the twinges of recognition and remembering?

You get to create your life. You get to be happy. You get to feel good. You don’t have to “heal” forever. You don’t have to “dig” for the why’s unless you want to.

We have access to all the healing - because it’s already happened.

You get to choose.

What would it mean to you if the impact of trauma - is love?

What if that is true for you too?

Love

I can let it in. I am safe.

Love flows through me. Because I am love.

I am love. I am love. I am love.

…and guess what? We all are.

We are all love. We are all love. We are all love.

We can love ourselves back together.

We are doing this together.

This is Unity Consciousness.

Do you feel it? Are you ready?

I’m here and I can offer guidance when you are.

You can do this.